A good dig, and one dirty, bug infested 12′ plank later we headed home to construct our bench.

We scrubbed the wood with steel wool and various cleaners and left it out overnight to reveal any creepy crawlies.

The legs were harvested from the rad yet sad paint splattered red vinyl ottoman.

Uh oh. Removal of the vinyl revealed the legs were embedded and glued into the wood underneath. No little feet. No screws. So the wood from the ottoman had to come with and become part of the bench.

We attached the chunky wood hairpin leg corners with shiny industrial looking L brackets from The Home Depot for a few bucks, rounding out cost at completion to around $25. I win.

Bench Fin.

Hairpin Leg Bench.

I can wait mid-century sofa. I am patient. You will lose.

I have a new obsession with the color white, or non color if you will. Will you?

Recently, I can’t stop wanting white stuff. Clean. Clear. Uncluttered (lolz.) Whiteness.

White objects. White linens. White paint.

Super white stuff doesn’t blend very well when your home design aesthetic up to this point has included a vintage, lodge, farmstyle color palette.

But.

One day I shall drink scotch with the Eames’, Eero Saarinen, Florence Knoll, and Harry Bertoia at my barn studio in upstate NY.

Baby steps.

I realized this morning my new fixation has been building for some time. Over the last year my closet has been overtaken by a row of assorted, soft, worn in white t-shirts. All white, all the time. White t-shirt jeans blazer uniform=me.

My point is.

I need to pay more attention to what my closet is trying to tell me. Maybe you should too.

Chew on that for a while.

I’ll chew on biscuits with white cheddar cheese.

Love Jwoww

My valentines! Head on over to Kate Spade for some radness in your heart, and then send that radness via free ecard to the ones you love.

http://www.katespade.info/?section=bmine

I’m sorry to have neglected you for so long, but can we talk?

First, a request. Please stop wearing cargo shorts. Why? Tell me why you need all those pockets? Are you transporting cargo? Are you a carpenter? Are you camping? If you answered no to these questions just take them off. Right now. They’re unnecessary. Dont worry! Old Navy will find another way to stay in business if you stop buying them. They’ll always have fleece.

With that out of the way I really want to talk about Fall. I realize it’s the middle of August and most of us are still poolside, maybe stomping it out on the town bare legged in five inch heels…But it’s coming!! Fall! I can feel it riding in on the the breeze. And before you think I’m getting poetic-I really jus wanna talk about boots and jackets and cardis and scarves and stuff!!

Boots. You must own a ferosh ankle boot. You must. This is non negotiable. I love Elizabeth and James. Mostly on sale Elizabeth and James. And I don’t care if they look like mon chi chis (you know who you are) them Olsens got style.

Mon chi chi style.

The twins added footwear to the line last Spring, and Fall is on pre order now at Saks. It includes many hawt ankle boots.

My staple ankle boot is a great Seychelles number similar to this in brown. Whether it’s with tights, leggings, jeans, skirts, dresses, or trousers; the ankle boot is your versatile friend for fall. Do it.

FB, you ask, what other shoes can’t you live without in the coming season?

Definitively, my Fryes. These would be my one chosen item in a deserted island scenario.  Had them forever, will always. Nothing says classic like a boot that’s been around since 1863. My mother had a blonde pair in the seventies that she got rid of. I still haven’t forgiven her.

My final shoe thought for Fall is one that may scare some of you off in a saddle shoed penny loafered child kind of way. For the boho hipster crowd that remains…2007 saw the return of the oxford for women as a chunky heel. The last couple years, I was turned off. It seemed an oxford heel could go from Anthropologie romance to Wet Seal street walker very quickly. Twas a slippery nineties slope. However, this Fall I’m singing a different tune. In 2009 the oxford has lost its heel, kept the laces, and returned to its roots as a flat wingtip style shoe. I’m on board, and not just because I have a  pair of green Hush Puppies in my closet that have needed a spin since 1997 (lies- I wore them last fall ). An alternative to flats, this shoe gives women a no fuss, comfortable, easy shoe decision. Its hot in an Annie Hall kind of way. Top Shop has some classic and colorful options.

Even the Princess is in on the act:

Ri Ri does the oxford.

Well, I’m exhausted. Don’t forget what it means to be a part of this relationship and stay tuned for thoughts on Fall 2.0. Until then…

Peace Luv and Biscuits,

Jess 

PS Jeff Lewis, PR, Rachel Zoe.

Knock it off. Srsly.

That goes for you too harem pants.

Love Biscuit.

In other news.

My fashion has a first name, its O-S-C-A-R.

The Oscars were over a month ago, but I don’t care. What fun. Apparently they gave out gold statues there to celebrate fine accomplishments in film. I can’t be sure. What I do know I am required to share with you ranked in descending order. Beginning with:

#5- Angelina Jolie in black Elie Saab.

Whatever. You hate Angelina Jolie, she’s a homewrecker, she’s pretentious, you don’t even think she’s attractive….blah blah blah. You’re a liar and newsflash-taking a stand on Angelina does not make you better or more interesting than anyone else that admits the facts. Which are:

• she is a naturally striking beautiful successful woman with a killer bod.
• at this years Oscars she wore a draped sweetheart side slit black Elie Saab gown and made it look like heaven’s LBD.
• she does not need to ever actually say, “na nanny boo boo, I’m Angelina Jolie.” she just wears 2.5 million dollar tear drop emerald earrings.
• and finally, if you were working with Brad Pitt and he said, “Hey, I know I’m married to Jenn and all, but I really like you. Will you be my girlfriend?” you would totally do it.

#4- Sarah Jessica Parker in Dior Haute Couture.

• Dior.
• Haute couture.
• SJP.

That’s all you need to know. Unless you don’t know what haute couture means. It is the utmost level of custom design. An exclusive custom garment, made of the finest fabrics, usually hand sewn.

#3- Marisa Tomei in Atelier Versace.

This origami pleated gown was totally incredible. Really amazing. And she pulled it off effortlessly. The dress could have been a complete disaster on someone else.  Nineties Marisa in cropped shirts and mini skirts is long gone. She deserves credit for the glamazon she is today. Always one to watch when the carpet is red. Also, check out the entire 2009 Atelier collection at versace.com. Inspiring.

#2- Natalie Portman in Rodarte.

Things I love- Rodarte, affenpinschers, and ice cream sandwiches. Things I don’t love-Natalie Portman, cargo pants, and fine tip ball point pens. Apparently, when two things are combined from either list I ABSOLUTELY ADORE IT. Natalie is no stranger to Rodarte and this pink orchid  gown was incredible on her. Perfect. Perfect on her skin tone and body structure. Perfect skirt. Perfect color. Perfect pailettes (something I never thought I’d say). She totally nailed it. Gorg. Now I’m going to try putting cargo pants on my affenpinscher…

#1.5 Kate Winslet in Atelier YSL.

Honestly…I don’t think I would love this dress, at all, if it didn’t contain Kate Winslet’s body. Which was perfect and smokin in this gown. Grey degrade satin, black silk tulle embroidery. Bordering on a yawn. For me! Just for me. But again-I included it because everyone loves her and loved this dress and disagrees with the Biscuit on this. The hair, makeup; it is classic glamourous movie star Kate. But I have loved her far more in other gowns.

#1- Penelope Cruz in vintage Balmain.

Penelope. Bleh. I’m usually not the biggest fan. (Exception- the 2007 Oscars, Atelier Versace. Holla Marisa!) However, this dress was museum quality. That’s it. It truly stole my breath. 1950 vintage Pierre Balmain. The lace? Ruched chiffon? C’mon-C’MON! Incroyable. She met the gown eight years ago in Beverly Hills and went back for it this season. I can imagine. It will take me far more than eight years to get over it.

So.

Run out to Target and start perusing the sale racks for Mr. McQueen’s line. One run launched in February. I was disappointed (neon pink? zipper hems? Srsly?) BUT not so disappointed that I don’t like it more on sale. Still gets me off to have his name so close to my skin.

Til then, love and yeast,

Jess

My shoe monster woke up yesterday.

It is a rarity to spot the shoe monster in the wild.

Now usually the shoe monster is ranked third among the mischievous monsters that roam the dark corners of my shopping mind. Sunglasses being number one, and apparel number two.

That all changed yesterday.

I can’t stop thinking quite specifically about stacked toe four inch stiletto heels. Like these:

Modern Vintage's Linda in Mogano, Fall 2008

It is interesting to me how quickly and efficiently one of these shopping mind monsters takes the reigns.

I simply cannot pull myself away from heels.com.

What happens to my sunglasses monster during a time like this? Is she asleep in some dark corner having dirty dreams about Tom Ford and Oliver Peoples?

I can’t be sure.

In other news, this:

If only to live in a world...

and this.

Lets talk about pants for spring. Pants really don’t change too much from season to season. At least not so much that you and I, the common consumers,  notice.

Speak for yourself!

Your skinny jeans and wide leg pants are safe for Spring  and Summer 2009.

But just so you know my gut tells me I will be done with my skinnies by the end of this year.

Retired to couch lounging and grocery shopping.

However, I will def not be rocking the harem, balloon,  or cropped pant.

Ugh and blerm.

That’s right eighties babies! Take notice. I done said balloon pants! Even Marc and Mr. McQueen did it.

Tragically,  I think you will see this look around Hollywood a lot this Spring and Summer.

Quite frankly.

I find it insulting.

Well. It feels good to be back.

Now if you’ll excuse me-my monster is hungry.

Lovcat, Jess

PS. Chuckle.

In writing this post I am faced with a truly epic challenge.

Because so many life changing very very important things have happened since we last spoke.

Like this:

And this AMAZING ridicurous fierce diva at Fashion Rocks.

My cockles are warm:

The VMAs were on Sunday. Has anybody else noticed how completely uninspired this awards show has become? Boring. I enjoy flashy performances and great clothes just like you, but can’t we just flip through a magazine and watch late night instead? I am so tired of feeling pressured to watch three hours of the tired  VMAs for like, one exciting moment…but…I am such a proud parent of Britney Spears I want to put a bumper sticker on my car.

On Tuesday night Fashion Rocks reminded us of the seductive transformative relationship that exists between music and the runway; not to mention the power of both to raise awareness and bring artists together for a great cause- Stand Up to Cancer. The decade driven montages (Eighties, Motown, Disco…we get it!) preceding each catwalk was uber cheese but the clothes that followed were satisfying. Mmm-mmm! I love a belly full of Vera Wang.

Speaking of bellies.  The following is an open letter to Fergie:

I am not responding positively to you, Fergie. Are you relevant? Definitely not in the fashion universe. You performed TWICE at Fashion Rocks. Once was with Blondie. You are not worthy. The other was with Black Eyed Peas. Ugh, really? You wore Gucci. But the Gucci was like a weird boho/psychedelic/mod dress I wore from Express in junior high. And you look like Jabba the Hut. Quit it. Love, The Biscuit

G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S

Moving on, I have three words for you- Chad, Josh, Madison. The second season of Million Dollar Listing ended on Tuesday. AH-mazing. In case you missed it I will summarize with bullet points:

• Josh was feeling burnt out by his difficult 22 year old wealthy Hollywood lifestyle and took holiday with his grandmother in New York. They held hands and rode around Central Park in a horse drawn carriage.
• Chad sold a 6+ million dollar home to Judy, a good family friend and apparent plasic surgery partner of his mother. Chad’s mom baked a cake for Judy to celebrate. Before they eat Chad remarks to Judy, “I want to see your face when you put it in your mouth.” I bet, Chad. I bet.
• Madison has the revelation that he is satisfied by women emotionally and men sexually. How confusing…oh wait. You just described every straight woman on the face of the earth. Welcome.
• A bitchfight of epic proportions insues when Josh uses the last of Chad’s can of Rave and Chad hides Josh’s smoky charcoal eyeshadow. Meow.

Can’t wait for next season ladies!

Also on Tuesday night Bravo premiered Nostradamus’ new reality show about my life to come. Otherwise known as The Rachel Zoe Project. That’s Zoe like toe. It’s hard for me to really describe the immediate obsession that washed over me while watching this show. Rachel Zoe is arguably the #1celebrity stylist anywhere. You might recognize her as the guest judge from Project Runway’s recent car challenge. Perez Hilton calls her Raisin Face. I like to think of her more as the aged Bratz doll that I aspire to be. Her life consists of using her fashion knowledge and expertise to fill a studio with a million dollars worth of designer clothing and then use that clothing to dress famous people.

heartsigh.

She considers her collection of Birkin bags art and refers to her sunglasses as “sunnies”.

Also on the show is her styling assistant Taylor and Taylor’s assistant Brad.

Taylor is a horrible peroxide ruined bitch who needs to shave her head and start over. She treats Brad terribly and all Brad wants to do is be a charming queen and share his life with her. We hate you Taylor. Team Brad!

There’s a lot more I could say about this show but I’m sure I’ve lost most of you already, coz you probably haven’t watched it yet. SO WATCH IT! PLEASE! Tuesdays @ 10. On Bravo. Obs der.

I will finish by saying NY FASHION WEEK is happening. I have so much to say. I’m drooling. Actually right now, I’m drooling. But I’m going to wait to recap next week. But I will leave you with this thought…if Michael or Marc has anything to do with it (don’t they have EVERYTHING to do with it?) get used to the look of those boyfriend jeans Katie Holmes has been wearing recently.

Enjoy! Love Jess

Kanye West, so fly, in the front row at Proenza Schouler.

Do it do it do it do it do it!

Hello!

Welcome to Fashion Biscuit. The following list should answer your questions. And yes. You are hungry.

You are a fashion biscuit if…

you spend more than 1-2 hours a day fake online shopping. 

If you’re shopping less than two hours a day, but fake shopping for $1000 bags nonetheless you might not be a biscuit, but you could be like a croissant or rugelach or something. I haven’t gotten that far.

you refer to Karl, Marc, Vera, Stella, DVF, or Zac in everyday conversation.

“I’ve been rather depressed since my Marc sunglasses were stolen-RIP” or…

“I can’t believe that Zac handbags and RTW are on sale at gilt.com” 

Which brings me to…

you anxiously stare at your inbox, waiting for sale notifications from websites such as ideeli, gilt, and haute look. I’ll elaborate.

These are three examples of exclusive members only websites that offer high design and luxury brands at crazy discounts. These sales can last minutes or up to thirty six hours, until the inventory is gone.

Sometimes there are giveaways. 

Sometimes the giveaway is a $1595 Chloe bag.

 Sometimes I die.

 Ask me about my recent quick on the draw and drastically discounted purchase of some Christian Dior sunglasses. Please?

you’ve accessorized, or even strongly considered accessorizing, a bathing suit.

I’m talking about precious metal jewelry, scarves, and heels here, my little Biscuits.

Not sarongs.

If you own a sarong throw it away.

you’ve ever uttered the sentence “That is totally RTW Spring ’08.” 

I actually just want someone to say it to me. In a hushed tone. Whisper it in my ear.

“Resort 2008…yea. That’s Right. Ooh…Sculpture…Fall…yea baby.”  Mmm.

Oh! Wait…what? I’m sorry. I got distracted.

you’ve ever asked yourself, “Groceries or Versace?”

This could not only mean your a Fashion Biscuit, but probably also a sick idiot (like me). Get help.

(Psst! Pick the Versace!)

finally and most important, I declare you a Biscuit if you love me.

And my suspenders.

I am just a fan. A raging, lunatic, heart pounding, broke, lover of fashion. I am always learning new things about it and wanting more.

I want to use Fashion Biscuit to show you why I love this fabulous world of style,  textiles, starving models, and diva designers. 

Please subscribe to Fashion Biscuit and come back frequently to laugh, insult, or worship.

Love Jess